Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?

Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.

What the dentist sees

Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”

It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year

My cousin Clevis says he can cure people of overeating. For $50 a day, he’ll follow you around, and any time he sees you with junk food, he’ll stab you with a fork.

He calls it “snackupuncture.”

it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead

i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget

There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.

[God inventing snakes]

What about a scarf that could kill you?

I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.

Worst. Transformer. Ever .

[first day as a ninja]

me: *sneaking in*

him: I’ve been expecting you

me: how

him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day

Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.

Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.

Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?

can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭

Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste

Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse

Her: I’m really into eating clean.

Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.

titanic

You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun

Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.

[15 years ago]

Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana

[Now]

M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!

Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.

I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.

There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.

“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”

I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.

-me to my barber

If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.

Level of high: 7/10

[street fight]

Come at me bro!!

*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles

*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away

Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.

Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough

Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky

Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more