We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
You Might Also Like
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
I’d tell you to go to hell but I work there and I don’t want to see you everyday.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.