Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required

When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.

there should be a tented fingers emoji. for when you’re feeling ruminative

Practicing safe sax

I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.

Me: So that’s a no?

*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?

Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.

Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.

[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer

I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies

It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.

If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.

TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.

I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.

GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes

ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome

GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken

Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…

My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.

What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.

There was a sudden Jeff in the family

Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes

Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.

Doctor: Please step on the scale

Me: No weigh

whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes

Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.

Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.

Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime

If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink

my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?

me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town

[at the club]

Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in

Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)

Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack

me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made

him: oh no, did you overreact-

me: no, I just threw them out

him: oh

me: then I ate the tacos

him:

god: you’re a pig

pig: huh

god: you’re filthy

pig: yeesh

god: you eat slop from a trough

pig: c’mon

god: you stink

pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?

god: here’s the thing

It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.

Lol