Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?

HER: I asked if you were a “people” person

ME: ohhh…definitely not

[2052 pre-apocalypse]

Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world

Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS

Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.

“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”

*pokes body with stick*

I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.

[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.

🤣🤣🤣

My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?

Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.

I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!

Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice

Trees to oxygen:

“Pfft. Waste product.”

*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking

CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless

Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right

*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*

Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.

Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.

Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.

[at Victoria’s Secret]

*folding panties on table*

“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”

Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*

I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.

yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing

I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me

[on the couch having tea]

Me: this is nice.

Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.

LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.

L-O-L!

Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS

I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.

Tried to steal some candy from a baby.

I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me

They lied about how easy that was.

Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it

I know the English colonized the world and all, but it’s hard to take them seriously when they create recipes like “bubble and squeak” and “toad in the hole.”

If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix

Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.

The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.