Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.

imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee is just floating.

My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.

I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”

[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one

PRO TIP:

Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you

Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT

“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”

My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.

Peter Parker Peter Driver

I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.

There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce

Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate

Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.

I guess that means no one came.

Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,

Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”

Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.

Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old

Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer

Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t

[Zoo, bird show]

“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”

*bird headbutts window 50 times*

A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?

the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on

producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?

the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word

producer: sounds bad

the killers: its the greatest song ever written

Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!

*points at baby*

Me: You gonna eat that?

Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart

Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news

Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*

[ At the ball ]

Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?

Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.

Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro

Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.

Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.

You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.

Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’

If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.

Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE

My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤

This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.

Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.

[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?