Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just cleaned out my desk.

Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.

Good news: I found the plane!

[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]

ugh, overcooked

This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live

what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry

Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.

In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:

1) Going on vacation

2) Taking my family

“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.

The cake is mightier than the sword.

[mall]

Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.

*looks in purse*

*waves at testicles*

Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!

Let us remember him by his own last words: “Homemade jetpack, don’t fail me now.”

righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.

– factory defect men’s underwear

Guilty! 🤪

Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers

Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.

Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..

Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from women

Post-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon

If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??

#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.

Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!

It’s like she didn’t want a tip.

*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*

[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”

*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.

My company promotes diversity

We’d never hire twins

So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…

Robber: [hands teller a note]

Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?

R: Yes, and hurry it up!

T: Why?

R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.

T:

R: How am I doing so far?

I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.

Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’

Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce