Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it

PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story

AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something

I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.

If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach

– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?

Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.

So Disappointed.

a fool and his money are hey new iphone

Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.

Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you

Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?

Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”

Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”

“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”

– my best friend and the whitest man I know

The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.

A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.

Flock of geese

Murder of crows

Mistake of beers

Know your sleep disorders!

Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.

Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.

Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.

Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.

i got lost and locked in a stairwell at the NYC office and all i can think about is this meme while i wait for someone to save me

I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”

*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous

[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good

[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]

ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.

Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.

“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.

I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.

waiter: say when

dracula: ven

other waiter: haha say it again

7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.

7:15AM – Dammit.

My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.

Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.

“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”

-How I Met Your Stepmother

*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*