We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
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[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
I know karate and tons of other words.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
At urgent care with my 8yo
Nurse: is she allergic to anything?
8yo (child of a lawyer): We don’t know because I haven’t tried everything.😆
(May have a sprained or broken foot 🤪)
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
2am Sunday morning and bam! it’s 1am again
Me: what the hell…I already did this hour
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
Truth
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races