Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating

How do I get people to bring me various casseroles without hosting a wake?

COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife

My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!

*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*

My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT

Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.

[ouija board]

me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now

ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E

me: ….please stop

You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.

Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her

How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?

Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one

Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?

Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.

Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.

Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite

Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.

My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:

i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.

i wish we could shoplift online

The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.

[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]

customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too

me: he’s not on the menu

*overheard in 6’s virtual class*

6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.

Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?

In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties

Introducing new iPhone 5 features:

– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.

[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead

My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them

[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.

-Ordering a pizza $40

-Having it delivered $5

-Having your kids eat the whole thing before you get home

Sliceless