We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
my haters are mad they’ll never catch me slippin because of my grippy socks
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
Women be like ‘I hope you look exactly like your profile photo’ and then when you’re kneeling outside the restaurant holding a fish they’re all ‘Omg what is wrong with you’. I can’t win you guys.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
