We’re all getting idioter.
You Might Also Like
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
“I need an answer to a question, but I’m not looking for the same old information from all the books and articles. I want the real truth.”
“I feel like your first mistake may have been coming to the building with all the books and articles.”
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”