We’re all getting idioter.
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ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
My biggest fear is going to prison for something I didn’t do. My second biggest fear? Going to prison for something I DID do
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
Sunday August 25th is Banana Split Day! And where do they make the best banana splits?
Sundae school.
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
*mops up wine with cat*
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!