Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10

Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.

everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck

“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.

WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .

Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?

Sidewalks™

Just microwaved some lasagna in an office full of carb-starved women, I feel like I’m in an axe body spray commercial

A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.

Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.

Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime

Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.

Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?

Swallow: *Blushes*

I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.

I carry a pebble with me to throw at people who start Christmas stuff in October.

I call it my jingle bell rock.

A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade

when i was 20 my grandma made me a homemade rhino costume. no costume party no nothin i just wore it to work

I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.

Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly

9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do

My 7yo with someone she just met, “My mom has a dairy allergy, and my dad has a kidney stone. It’s gonna hurt when he pees it out.”

ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?

SUPER FAT ANT: the who?

The key to a clean house is dim lighting.

Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”

Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.

Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.

*men apologize for their weakness*

*women apologize for their strength*

*aliens probe neither*

cop: where u headed

me: chuck e. cheese. gonna fight the rat

cop: [handing me his gun] good luck

If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British

[Logging in]

• Password must be 6 digits

Me : *Types “6 digits”*

Computer : You are an imbecile.

How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons

*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*

[creation of spinach]

God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.

Angel: Is everything okay at home?

It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.

The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.