We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
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A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
This guy is full of crap
-my colonoscopy doctor realizing that I didn’t do the pre-procedure cleanse
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
My friend asked if I had any spare cash to pay for his straw.
Unfortunately l hadn’t got the bale money
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
I was just at my neighbors house with my kids and a bunch of other neighbor kids and the host asked a 3yo if she could get her anything and the girl goes “could you bake a pie?”
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
carly rae jepsen: call me maybe
dads: ok maybe
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…