We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
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Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Worst bar ever.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
there has never been a better use of this meme
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
Don’t make me out nice you.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕