We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
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The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
Optician can tell from my eyes bleeding that I only just started flossing before the appointment
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE