We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
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Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
Order here:
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Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
the question “how is work” really pisses me off😭. work is work bro, idk what else you want me to say
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
If you see a lady in her bikini chasing her hot tub lid on highway 6, I’m not on drugs and you should mind your own business or help me.
🗽
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks