Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.

just spent a solid 6 seconds concerned about the sounds my stomach was making before realizing it was a motorcycle outside

I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.

Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.

North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.

My kid has been collecting money she finds around the house for years, I was short some cash and she let me borrow some, as long as I repay her, so now I owe her money for borrowing my money. Is it too soon to enroll her in business school?

When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.

I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle

Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of

Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.

Me: Clean your room.
Daughter: Won’t
Me: Do your homework.
Daughter: Can’t
Me: I’m taking your phone then.
Daughter: DON’T

16 years later & the contractions are still coming every 10 seconds

I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.

When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…

My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT

Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee

Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope

My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.

Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho

My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”

I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.

my dentist & his assistant stare gleefully at me, waiting for me to sign the document that would give them the legal authority to install an extra row of teeth in my mouth just like sharks have

If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.

DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature

ME: [leaves]

My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”

Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?

God: ok u can make one human that’s it

Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald

*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF

I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”

ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u

Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?

Rick Astley: *tearing up*

Me: oh no