Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.

[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]

Stylist: How’s the water temperature?

[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]

Me: It’s fine

parents nowadays: video games are too violent

parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!

If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with

Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.

my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE

Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.

And now we wait.

My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.

expecting to live rent-free in my mind? good luck being homeless

Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!

Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.

Just got revenge on someone who wronged me 6 Years ago. Never be Relaxed ever. I’m coming

Flying is a luxury experience in the same way as getting a colonoscopy is one.

You realize you are privileged to be able to afford it, but that doesn’t make it feel good.

At least try to make it slightly believable

If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.

My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.

Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”

Now this is my first time cooking poisonous blowfish, so go easy on me.

I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals

well this is just bullshirt

My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra

DATE: I love playful women

ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-

You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.

I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’

And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.

Bromans 4:19

Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.

I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.

My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!

My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions

My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.

Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs