Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: So what did you do today?

ME: I wrote a story about a car that has a portrait of itself at home which absorbs any damage or wear and tear. Calling it the Picture Of Delorean Gray.

HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.

The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.

In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.

Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.

Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.

CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten

KRISTEN: sure

CHRISTEN: thank you

KRIS: anytime

Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold

2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.

I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.

i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.

wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”

My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.

Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.

I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”

where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*

Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …

*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now

[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk

I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out

Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!

Twitter: nope

Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.

I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.

WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .

Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?

Me: Sunscreen?

Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.

heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”

I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too

“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.

Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.

What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.