We’re all still reeling from the events yesterday. Here’s what we know:
-I got an everything bagel w/ chive cream cheese at 10:30am
-I went to the park at 10:39
-I put my bagel down to take a pic of a squirrel I think I’ve met before
-Bagel went missing at 10:40More info soon.
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Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
Two types of dogs.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
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For pride month you can’t say “let me get this straight…”, you have to say “just so we’re queer…”
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists