We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
Des Moines Police having a normal one
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
kidnapper: we’re not going back for medication
me: ok cool I’ll just tell my cholesterol that
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
[hearing a colleague using their mouse’s scroll wheel] well check out Johnny Longdocument over here
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
