We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
You Might Also Like
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Who called it Alcatraz and not Jailhouse Rock
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
“They wanna come in but can’t get past the cats!”
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
