We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
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Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
My wife has us watching so many crime documentaries, I swear I’ve seen a drone shot of every small-town water tower in America.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
happy to report that “what time is it/time for you to get a watch” is still being used by the youths
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
For real 🤣
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
got so much cardio in today
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
who called it girl dinner and not the female graze.
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.