Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?

“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.

if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers

In scandinavia they’re called fjarts

Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.

I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.

This might be the funniest tweet ever

Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.

Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.

hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concerned

let’s talk

[in the insect dissection room]

Your fly is open.

50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl

[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews

Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD

i actually laughed 😩

My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”

I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.

Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures

My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.

These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.

You are what you eat? Well… I’d rather be a donut than a salad.

Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book

Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought

Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.

The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.

Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out

Me: Ok then

[later that evening]

Dentist: Well this is nice

My tooth: I’m having a lovely time

The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.

Me: hands up, this is a robbery?

7-11 cashier:

Therapist: what did we talk about

Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.

DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed

ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work

YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are