Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.

ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night

WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.

I saw my son go quietly into his bedroom with a broom and dustpan. It’s taken me awhile to learn this, but I now know that there are some questions best left unasked.

Before I check out of a hotel, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb

cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners

Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.

her: i’m a cat person

me:

her:

me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky

Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!

I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.

I want to meet the individual who made this

[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why

Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.

Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…

Me: Can I leave early today?

Boss: No.

Me: Can you leave early then?

Boss: What?

Me: What?

[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…

fish: yeah this happens a lot

Me: This escape room sucks

My boss: This is a budget meeting…

[getting pulled over]

ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?

MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me

*enters contest*

Contest: “Wrong hole.”

“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”

– literally no one ever

Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying

Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.

Me: [left 3 hours ago]

[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”

[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”

inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream

nabisco: and the outside?

inventor: absolute garbage

nabisco: stop i love it

wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard

I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.

Hey i am sexy to you now

I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!

#alternative

“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.

being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”

*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*