“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
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It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
Camel dough
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
Cheers Twitter.
5, 6, 7, 8 is the LMNOP of the numbers
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.