We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
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do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
This is not me but this is me
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
indiana??? now they’re just making up states
That moment of panic when they invite you inside at the start of the birthday party you thought was a drop off.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
Bye, have a great day. I’ll see you after school, I tell the orange in my kid’s lunch
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath