Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.

If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.

John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense

Me: So where’s all the security?

John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own

Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.

Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days

My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.

She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.

Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!

Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?

“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”

Me on my first day as a mortician

I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.

every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy

I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment

*The British. The British need to hear this

Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.

My job sucks but it pays the bills.

Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.

My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.

I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.

Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign

Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.

if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?

I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road

Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.

I have a folder on my desktop named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is a bunch of stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is still more stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”

I don’t even know how many layers deep it goes at this point.

How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?

If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.

date: you look nice

me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate

PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?

*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*

i hope this email finds you fast and furious

Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.

Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day

Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.

I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!