We’re currently trapped in a crowded elevator. Good thing I have enough tuna casserole for everyone.
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12. I think about this all the damn time
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
two weeks ago a friend was telling me about how they were sad because they hosted a cookout and invited “all their friends” but no one came and i just had to sit there and smile and nod as they sadly told me about this cookout that, incidentally, they did not invite me to
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
“you shouldn’t block people for differing political views” i’ve blocked people for calling a song i like a skip
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?