We’re currently trapped in a crowded elevator. Good thing I have enough tuna casserole for everyone.
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While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
only 11 steps left
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
we’re gonna need another temp
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
“what’s it like having a sister?”
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.