we’re dead?
You Might Also Like
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
Huge if true.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
taking June’s advice to heart
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.