we’re dead?
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My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
I asked my 6 year old if he wanted to try out again for the school play and he said no I think I’ll take a break from Hollywood.
My documentary ‘I Have Stolen All Your Chairs’ just received a 90 minute standing ovation at Cannes
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
My 3yo just told me, wrathfully, “Well, if you won’t play with me then I’m gonna take a NAP on the COUCH!”
Ooooh. That’ll show me.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
Baller is short for ballerina
being too stressed isn’t good for the baby.
i’m not pregnant though, its just that i’m the baby
Before I work on myself, does anyone like me unhinged
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
I never saw myself as a mechanic but earlier today there was a rattle in my engine so I turned up the radio and it disappeared!
A guy at the bar wanted to watch a different college football game than what was on TV and the bartender told him he couldn’t change the channel because he couldn’t find the remote. I said, yeah the remote’s important, it’s a real game changer and that’s when I was asked to leave
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
Triceratops seeks Tricerabottom
-Jurassic period Grindr
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!