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Remember that financial writer who started her article by saying “Anyone can fall for a scam!” then admitted she thought Amazon was giving her a secret mission from the FBI and had to put her life savings in a shoe box and give it to a stranger immediately or she’d go to prison
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
Actually it’s pronounced “jaslight” – you’ve been saying it wrong the whole time
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
