You Might Also Like
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
hey girl, let’s crawl into the bottom of a sleeping bag together and romantically pretend we just got swallowed by Jaws
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎
[slowly crosses McRib off my manifesto]
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
Filling my pez dispenser with ibuprofen for whimsical pain relief
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
“What are your dogs’ names?”
Me: “Calvin and Klein.”
“Isn’t that a brand of underwear?”
Me: “Exactly, they’re boxers.”
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent