Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Little known fact:

Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.

Sleep when the baby sleeps, eat when the baby eats, edit your manuscript when the baby edits their manuscript

I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.

I call it Spock and Aww.

Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.

Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage

those birds must be on payroll

FB: you have memories to look back on

Wine: i’ll take care of this

my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.

I had a race with a smart car today.

I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.

i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind

According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.

my favorite gender

why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials

Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.

shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream

me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*

I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.

Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs

His flabber was gasted 😂

Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.

“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.

Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect

.. do you even science?

My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.

If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.

Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…

Dating tip:

If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.

My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.

I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.

That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.

Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻