Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.

I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!

6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes

My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense

Quickie so fast, it’s called secs.

If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’

Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?

PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours

Sloth: Uh oh

Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth

Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.

*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though

Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.

Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.

I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.

Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?

Her: I can’t quite tell

Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves

If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.

All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.

*Giving TED talk*

Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!

*he does and a mousetrap snaps*

Me: trust no one

*audience claps*

*being murdered*

Him: You should of kept your mouth shut

Me: No. It’s should HAVE

*gets stabbed another 84 times*

How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?

Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks

Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches

“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”

My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.

*repeat daily in various scenarios*

The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.

You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.

Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.

Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”

You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn

This is so wrong 😂

Autocannibalism is self-serving.

Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you

Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?