We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
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“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
I’m taking my kids with me to the office today. They’ll learn about my industry and what I do for a living and my coworkers will learn why I show up to work looking like a disheveled, defeated husk of a man.
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]