Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.

A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.

Dear Kids,

“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…

3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!

Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??

7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!

*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter

*calls to check on the sitter

The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol

My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.

I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.

Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.

When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.

Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet

Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.

They should make the last foot of dental floss red so you know when you’re about to run out

In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.

ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?

KIDS: YES!

ME: then go outside

my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ

also my brain: John F. Cennedy

ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken

Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk

A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying

Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.

Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired

Notice Dave Grohl is trending…..quickly check to make sure he’s not dead……then realize his wife will take care of that part

[playing D&D&D]

Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?

*playing hide & seek with my group*

5: I’m only going to count to ten

Me: why?

5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet

When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.

One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.

*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.

don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry

– me taking a joke

I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.

Business is booming.

the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray

me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that

Doubling capacity by allowing aircraft take off from both ends of the runway didn’t go well. You learn something new every day in this job!