Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..

you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand

frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone

I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.

saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?

WFH: Work From Home

my brain: WaFfle House

When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.

Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard

What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?

I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.

I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.

wanted: shrödingers cat

dead and alive

hate when anxiety gives me stomach problems like baby you are supposed to be a mental disorder please stay in your line

Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.

[about to have sex]

me: fasten your seatbelt

her: oooh you’re good huh

me: no this is a race car bed

[fancy restaurant]

JESUS: what do you do for a living

DATE: I’m a pilot

JESUS: *narrows eyes*

China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.

“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”

I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election

[first date]

HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?

ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when

Never go to sleep after making me angry

Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.

What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.

I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat

Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going

Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.

Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet

Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.

Coworker: You said all that out loud.

Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.

I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.