We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
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I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
*working in pediatric ER*
kid: *pointing* what are those wipes
me: these are special wipes we use in the hospital to kill bacteria and viruses and keep surfaces clean 😊
kid: viruses aren’t technically alive so you can’t kill them
kids mom: honey don’t embarrass the doctor
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
I’m giving up for Lent.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
it was a valiant fight
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
