We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
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No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
Free on bail. Time to pay some meddling kids a visit.
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
Me: I am a goddess. I was born for greatness. I will paint these shutters myself.
Me halfway up a 20-foot ladder: I am a land mammal. I was born with gravity. I will pay someone else to paint these shutters.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.