We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
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To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
For if I die before I wake
I pray the third Paul Blart they make.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
I SAID YES!!!!!! 💍🥂🥳🎉 i asked myself if i wanted a breakfast burrito.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.