Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice

Bully: gimme ur sandwich

Me [pulls knife]

Bully: hey man I don’t want any-

Me: -crusts. i know

Me: *wakes up*

My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy

Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos

This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.

Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.

Him: You hit me three times!

Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.

Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that

“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”

Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited

Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.

friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me

me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this

ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said

INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?

ME:

INTERVIEWER:

ME:

MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself

Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.

waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg

For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.

Probably.

You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.

Apparently being able to recite every word of the song ‘Shoop’, wasn’t part of the skill set they were looking for at this job interview.

“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”

*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*

My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them

Ores being fire proof makes me think maybe the Oreo doomsday vault is real after all.

Merry Christmas. The three wise men.

If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle

The place where I wanted to apply for a job was closed, so I wrapped my resume around a brick and threw it through their front window

if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off

Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*

When asked my name, I always hesitate because I still can’t decide between “David” and “Dave”. The delay makes me sound like an idiot who doesn’t know his own name. Which I suppose I am.

astronaut: houston come in

houston: this had better be important

astronaut: it’s urgent

houston: fine what

astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float

*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better