Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.

7-year-old: *using her tablet*

Me: You’re not doing your homework.

7: How did you know?

Me: You haven’t complained all morning.

I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.

Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.

At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.

God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.

Me: finally drifting off to sleep

The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this

I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.

[enters elevator]

Me: *audible toot*

Them:

Me: I am not here to make friends.

Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places

Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?

Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney

Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”

In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.

When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.

My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants

Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.

A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.

I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero

I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.

Alexa, make out with the Roomba

I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.

I love when someone is like “I’m funny because I have trauma and it’s a coping mechanisms” and it’s like ok not to add to your trauma, but you’re not funny

The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.

LMAO.

My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.

Hope he finds a ride home.

“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”

-Me, when my husband has a cold.

I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven

If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving

I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.

Yeah. Offer delivery.

Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.

My wife got mad at me because I got fast food without asking her if she wanted anything, so she used her flat iron to turn my curly fries into regular fries.

My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction

who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”