We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
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Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
This meal prepping shit is easy
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.