Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth

[Fancy restaurant]

DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants

ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS

Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:

Bruce Killis

My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”

That was last night and I still haven’t recovered

Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”

Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.

Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.

Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power

Kid: my dad?

Priest: haha no, even more powerful

Kid *nodding* mom

Nobody seems more shocked, disappointed and dismayed than the person behind the Post Office counter when I arrive and say I’ve got something to post.

If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems

Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening

Her: that is literally what I just said

I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet

The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.

To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰

You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.

Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.

Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.

How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.

Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.

“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook

💀💀

When I was a kid this either meant you better run for your life or it was spaghetti night.

Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild

“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.

ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?

CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months

[9 years later]

CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair

[1st day as a dr]

macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band

nurse: ahh we dont have those

macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery

nurse: umm how about a scalpel?

macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work

IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER

Do you smoke after sex?

Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”