We’re getting a mini moon for two months, and it’s just called “2024 PT5”. That’s a terrible name. I’m going to call it Gary.
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I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane