Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.

[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]

now I can bring my cats to work.

Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”

Me: nah

Husb: you could create your own cult

Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god

I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids

Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.

Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.

Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?

I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.

95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.

Overall productivity level remains steady.

I told my vodka about you.

When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.

“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”

“Have you checked the chandelier?”

Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.

Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.

a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”

Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour

Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.

[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*

“Twister 3” should be told from a cow’s POV.

“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato

[Limbo contest]

Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog.

I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.

My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie

*works out for 75 mins

*eats an entire batch of cookie dough

If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying

Me: I’m so lonely.

ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.

JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?

MARIO:

JUDGE: it’s a fine

MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not

What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?

[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS

Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.