we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
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Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin