“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
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Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
Oh yeh? Explain this then
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?