“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
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Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
Them: Don’t let someone live rent-free in your head.
Me: They’re right.
*sends invoices to all the jerks from my past that I keep thinking about*
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
my grandfather spent many decades & his entire life savings unsuccessfully trying to develop & grow the world’s first ham sandwich tree
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
Great Canadian literature.