Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.

4: Mommy, I need a snack

Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!

4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.

Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?

4:…. YESSSS

Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick

I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.

Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.

My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.

Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway

Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food

What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet

blocked.

[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator

Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?

Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.

I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?

Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??

My car:

[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]

me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down

My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.

I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used

This can never not be funny 😭😭

A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.

I got a call the other day from my daughter asking if I could keep her kids over the long weekend so I said that would be fine

I don’t have a daughter, so some poor bastard is getting stuck with kids this weekend that he’s not ready for

While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!

Rudolph with your nose so bright/help me find my phone tonight

My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.

Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!

I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”

My girlfriend is the square root of -100.

She’s a 10, but imaginary

Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.

I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.

When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset