We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
You Might Also Like
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
i just got an email from our hr department informing us that, “regrettably”, our office has become “inundated” with raccoons and as of this morning, after an incident where one raccoon fell thru the ceiling, they’ve decided to let us work from home
Once I dreamt I’d pissed the bed and when I woke up I had. So never let people tell you dreams can’t come true.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
[rap battle]
me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise
my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
This is the best photo of Mount Fuji
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why