Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*

if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams

unbelievably distressed by this ad

“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”

-3 year olds.

{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.

My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.

Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.

[boss’s office]

I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?

“No, sir”

I like your style, Murray.

Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please

Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.

Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.

Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz

Me: These books are half price.

Wife: Yeah.

Me: So I can save money.

Wife: Uh huh.

Me: By buying ten times as many.

Wife: NO.

started wrapping my pills in cheese

Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.

[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this

My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.

Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.

A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?

I said, Kindergarten.

I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.

Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it

My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.

Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water

Guy 2: why

Guy 2: well it’s shark week

Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is

I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.

My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder

So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now

Size matters

– me, when alcohol is being poured

I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this

Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.

Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.

iPhone 14, iPhone 15 and iPhone 16

I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.

really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context