Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*

Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open

Me: No problem

Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book

Twitter fine art

[at the bank]

Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future

*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*

No thanks.

Work from home? I don’t even work from work.

[brain surgery]

SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork

ASSISTANT:

SURGEON: …over that scalpel

Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers

launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076

To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.

Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.

Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*

Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided

Bear

Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.

oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere

My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.

(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)

Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…

Welcome to your late 40s from now on you will no longer be in “good health” but in “good health for your age”

Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.

[texting]

ME: I like you, I think you’re cute

MY CRUSH: oh um

ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that

FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone

[My first day as an architecture major]

*raises hand*

When are we going to learn how to build gingerbread houses?

Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.

You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.

I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom

my 15 yo doesn’t understand why he gets diarrhea after he eats only Pepperoni sandwiches, ramen noodles and 37 pizza bagels every day. It’s a real damn mystery.

In my will, when I die…

To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.

This kitten is just what my house needed.

Another female that doesn’t listen to me.

I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.

I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.

there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win