We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
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Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
😂😂😂😂😂😂
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.