Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.

LAUGHING.

When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.

Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy

My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….

I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.

I like to diffuse situations with humor

And a machete

[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]

My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”

Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”

If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices

Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.

Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15

Me: look I know I’m a wreck

Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days

me:

cop: also you hit 26 cars

barista: room for cream?

me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator

Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.

[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.

me: can i have a raise?

boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals

me: by giving me more money

Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?

That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.

*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*

Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen

Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?

7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting

[At the Rumble]

her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*

me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*

My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.

anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me

me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP

also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((

This squirrel eats better than I do

My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.

[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]

Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.

2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged

~ This is a running joke

me: I invited my boss to dinner

her: I thought you hated him

me: I didn’t have any choice

my boss: should I leave?

This hospital has everything

i was baptized in a car wash

My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.

*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face

Now it looks like me.

Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.

Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.