We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
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Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
rest in peas
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“