We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
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When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
LOOOOOOL
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth