Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Arriving in Hell]

*Satan hands me a phone where every app has notifications but no matter how many times I try to clear them the red dots just won’t go away*

ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night

WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.

Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.

One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.

me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??

Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!

Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it

they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store

– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?

You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.

Vader: I am your father!

Random kid: Really?

Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.

I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.

me: are you checking me out

librarian: yes

Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”

The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜

Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.

[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]

Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT

Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*

I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.

Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever

No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.

Apparently, this is how the world ends.

To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing

Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.

Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?

[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys

Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.

Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie

I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.

HO_SE BOAT

I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat

Me: Hello darkness my old friend

Darkness: *leaves on read*

My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment

so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*

WATSON: do you even have a proper education?

SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson

WATSON: but, like, beyond that

SHERLOCK: nah