we’re gonna need another temp
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Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
the clam before the storm
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.