we’re gonna need another temp
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I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
if humanity is so smart how come it took 6000 years after the wheel was invented for someone to put them on a suitcase
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
i thought i was being cool by telling a young barista that her t-shirt had my friend’s band on it, and she said, “oh i really respect the older generation”