Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.

I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv

Apparently it’s illegal to sell a bottle, a rag, and a pint of gasoline as fireworks to the neighborhood kids here in Nashville

Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”

Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box

The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.

Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.

I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.

When exactly does the strong part kick in?

Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.

When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer

me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream

wife: what did he say?

me: he kept laughing at me

Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?

It’s called Dye Another Day

Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*

[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?

Me: *backs out of driveway*

We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.

*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.

If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– the one time you misspelled that word in the chat
– how badly you misspelled that word
– god you are so stupid they will literally never let you live that down

I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.

I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.

I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.

THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.

To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call

–companies

Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.

I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”

Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.

“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.

Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?

So they could…..Scan da Navy in!

Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.

Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.

H: …

50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”

Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.