“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
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What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Happy Taco Tuesday
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner