“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body

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My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.

She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.


Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.

Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.


I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again


My moral compass must run on solar power, because it never seems to work after dark.


*5.30 a.m.*

6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.

Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.

6: How many people live in our neighborhood?



can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.


I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.


ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?


Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders

My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub