“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
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Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
The Flo Rida song Friday bothers me so much
“I wish every day was Friday.”
The magic of Friday is the anticipation of the weekend, and if every day was Friday there would be no weekend.
No one let this man make a wish on a monkey paw.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
my only contribution to the “parental sleep deprivation isn’t that bad” discourse is that I have averaged less than 5 hours of sleep per night my entire life due to a gene mutation and my parents both deserve medals for not simply putting me in the garbage
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC