Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam

Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating

[Ouija board]

O spirits, let me talk to m-

C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I

*squints*

What the heck?

A 3G board?

MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger

I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state

*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*

Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.

I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.

Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?

Me: I want you.

Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?

me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok

This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”

Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.

Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house

Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.

Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.

*hair is super let down*

People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?

The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.

I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.

[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!

Me: Oh

Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?

christening a ship with an overripe banana

Here to help

I’m not coming down from this tree until the mayor agrees to save this park from demolition or sends a really tall ladder up here, maybe places some mattresses around the base.

Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”

WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???

A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’

I was that kid’s first beard

You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.

My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.

A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress

In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.

I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.