Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”

My 7 year old: *staring at my face*

Me: What is it, sweetie?

My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?

Kids are delightful.

Don’t beat an alive horse either.

i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her

Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.

Ever notice how the most sensitive topics love to crash the party at the worst times? Like, “Yes, I’m totally ready to unpack childhood trauma… in the grocery store line.”

Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?

sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa

I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.

I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.

We all have family for that..

Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano

Government Shutdown: Day 4

3am: Monkey House, National Zoo

A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.

Ben Stiller escapes into the night.

Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…

My safe word is now just a dry cough.

Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!

Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?

I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.

If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.

*God creating the rhino*

God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.

– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7

getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger

The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.

ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.

My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.

This is bullshit.

Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?

Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?

[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.

“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”

OH COME ON

5: I can count to 90!

Me: Really? Show me!

5: Ok here we go…

1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90

Me: Nailed it.

all my demons came for free. these must be organic.

explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no

The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.