We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
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Matt Goss
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Huge, if true.
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn